Dirrrrty!

“This bird, she was so fucking hot,” the drunk friends of his sat round the pub table, hanging on his every word.

He was their messiah of sex, their horndog hero. He was the friend who always got the girl, the two girls, your younger sister, your mother, and probably your dad

He would fuck everything. And more importantly, everyone wanted to fuck him. So, of course, he always had a good story to tell, some new perversion he’d discovered.

He was the first to lose his virginity, the first to go to a gang bang, and the first to have twins at the same time. Let’s be honest; he’s the only one to have done the last one at all, out of anyone they knew. In this case, they wouldn’t have believed him if he hadn’t had photographic evidence, which he often did.

They’d all been to a gangbang, though, because one of the women in his ‘little black book’ liked a bit of multiple men, and he could always oblige. Once he brought his football team along, another time it was the guys at his office, including his boss (it got him a promotion). Sometimes, he’d get random, off-the-internet guys to please her, but usually, he’d call in his old friends from school. Most had girlfrien;s, one was even married, but they never said no. One even canceled an expensive holiday so as not to miss out on a session with her.

He was a good friend to have a round.

This wasn’t that lady her was talking about though, this was a new one he’d had the night before.

He showed them all a selfie of them both together to prove she existed. “That’s all you're getting, though; later, it got a bit much for taking photos.” He handed around his phone so they could all see the pictures. In one you could see down her huge cleavage and their friends hand “fucked her between those two!” He was clutching a breast. There was a busy bar in the background, and they were both smiling. That phone held so many secrets, so many possibilities, so much sex that had he dared it and sold it, he’d have made a fortune. Innocent-looking girl, right?” he addressed his attentive audience with a glint in his eye.

“Yeah, right, mate, she’s letting you play with her tit in a public place!”

“But yeah,” another guy said, “apart from that and pom slut tits I have to agree she does have a cute, sweet, angelic face.”

“Don’t let her fool you.”

Everyone laughed; no one was fooled. Their stud friend could always pick the dirty ones, or at least, bring out their filthy side.

“She was a beast,” he said,” something right out of hell. I’ll be knocking on her door again!”

“So, why? What was her deal?”

“Right, brace yourself. We’re on the way back to mine, and we go through that alleyway between the estates. You know the one.”

Yeah, they do. It wasn’t a question; they all had a little action in there. It was the perfect place to go when you had nowhere else.

“So, I thought I’d try my luck on her, you know, see if we couldn’t get some early action. I grabbed her with my passion and she was in on me too, almost like we both made a move at the same time. Then it got kinky. Her tongue. Fuck she had a long tongue. And boy she wasn’t afraid to use it.

She licked my ear. Good right? Right in it went, up into that earwax, the sound of her poking in crackling in my ear. Nice, very nice, my cock needed that tongue now, it got me so hard.

She could tell too, pretty obvious, and so she ripped it out, clutched it with both hands. But the real hornyness came when she started lapping across my face, my eyes my cheek, my nose. Her tongue wiggled up into a nostril! “

“No way!”

“Yes, way man. She was possessed, lapped and poked up in it, and that tongue was long man.”

He then handed round his phone again. This time it had a picture he’d hidden for this very moment. In fact it was a gif. A gif of her sticking out her tongue. And out, and out, and out, until it rolled round the bottom of her chin. Long, pink, pointed. Bigger than some guys dicks.

Then she curled it around, made it a vee shape, and began to lap the air.

“Can I have a copy of this? If the girlfriend ain’t up for it tonight, I want to wank off to this.!”

“Hey,” said another, “forget the girlfriend, I’m wanking to that anyway. Too hard to go to the bar at the moment!”

Everyone was laughing and nodding in agreement. “I’m not sending it to you,” he never did, one of his few ‘gentleman’ rules he kept, too. “But here’s her Instagram, it’s on that anyway.”

Everyone’s heads went to their phones, and there was a quiet moment as her inbox got pinged with a dozen friend requests.

“Carry on!”

“So, then she goes down to her knees. Short little dress, the nasty ground there. Fuck her poor knees, but she don’t care. She turns me around, and though. She’s not up for sucking my cock, which, as you are all picturing, sounds like a nice deal, with that tongue like.

Better than that! She whips it all down, boxers and all then shoves her tongue up my arse! I mean, shit, man, I’m m clean guy, but fu,ck, it was a long, hot, sweaty night. She didn’t care a thing though, long deep laps. I never felt so clean! I love a good rimming, and she was quickly my best.

She don’t abandon my cock though. She reaches round and stokes it with one hand and pulls me into her face, holding my hips with the other.

Then a guy I know comes past! It’s like 2 am and you know how unlucky it is to get interrupted.

He’s cool though. Like ice cold cool. He doesn’t miss a beat. He’s seeing his pool partner's big dick being stroked by a girl he can’t see kneeling behind, tonguing his ass, my ass. Treats it like it’s utterly every day.

He nods at me, ‘Hey, you good?’

I can’t reply, she’s done something I believe no other lady on earth could do.”

He pauses here and lets the anticipation hang in the air.

“What?!” another guy says slamming his hand down on the table and beer jumps.

“Mate! For fucks sake. Shit man,”

A gaggle of objections, followed by lots of laughter, the story forgotten for a moment.

“So, you wanna know or what? Well, just as my pool hall buddy is right there in front of me, inches from my cook, she sticks that lush long tongue right inside my asshole.” Another pause for effect and sharp intakes of breath from his audience.

“Now, I know not every guy says he likes that kind of attention but he’s a liar. I mean sweet jesus her tongue was up, right up, inside my fucking ass! Poking it right inside like a fucking demon.

I creamed right there. She squeezed the head of my cock, drove her face in deep, so I guess she couldn’t breathe. And. Bang. Bang, Bang. Spunk everywhere. I was a fountain of jizz all due to her dirty skills with her deformed but perfect tongue.”

“Hell man, she sounds like the bomb. You get it on your friend?”

Everyone laughed.

“Dave? Nah, he was by, by then, but only just. It took me ages to come down and land again. Longest orgasm of my life. Thing is, this isn’t the really dirty bit. While I was still panting, not sure if I wasn’t ruined for every other lady for life, she crawls away in front of me.

She’s put the torch on her phone, and it looks like she’s looking for something. I’m out of it, and I’m confused but have you lot not got it yet?”

“She wasn’t?”

“She fucking was! I shit you not. And when she found the first load of my cum on the floor, she dipped her head and licked it away.”

Gasps of horror and note of approval. “Well guys, you know what the alleys like. None of you chumps would be brave enough, but she was a champ. She didn’t stop until she’d digested it all. I could feel a hard-on returning with how she debased herself in front of me. My cock was still out and getting hard when my friend came by again. He must have gone to the all-night garage for roll-up paper, knowing him, the dope head.

He has to step over the dirty bitch, calm as anything, ‘Hey,” he says again in his downbeat way. I’m like standing there, already wanking over what I’m witnessing. Right in front him and he just says hey!

Then I notice his beer, he hands me one, opened, and I just carry on, One hand beer, one hard wanking, woman licking your white juice up off the floor at your feet. Living the dream guys, liv-in-da-dream. The friend, he says, “See ya,” and walks off. I mean, I couldn’t have walked off, I’d have needed a go with ho like that ha! Obviously up for anything. He could have at least had wank over her. But he wants to get back to his wackybacky.

That’s what I do, though. I stand over her now, jerking it like a madman.

I should wait to cum, I know, give her one of my legendary seeing to’s.”

“Arrogant fuck.”

“‘You know it, baby.”

More laughter.

“I just can’t help it though. I can’t resist her crazy voluntary subjugation I cum. I direct it at her on all fours, and ‘boom,’ another thick load. Pretty damn good, even for me.

It gets in her hair. She looks cute covered in it when she turns and smiles up at me, then sits and starts sucking at her hair, legs spread. Sucking at the cum, obviously.

Oh man I realised then she was crazy, made me crazy. Plus I realised I needed a piss. All the excitement had made me forget all the beer. My beer bladder was screaming.

So, I take a few steps and stand against the opposite wall. The stream starts while she’s still busy sucking jizz out of her own hair. Now, wait for it. Wait for it. Wait. For.it”

“Fuck no!”

“Fuck yes! She dives underneath me. My instinct is to re-direct away from her like when a dumb dog wants to piss where you’re pissed before you’ve even finished. But I’ve got discipline. I can see this is what she wants.

She lies flat on her front, on the dirty ground and I soak her. The mini dress is already dirty so I actually clean it a bit with my stream or urine! She has such a great arse. It’s riding up, I can see ass checks. I imagine lying on her back and sodomizing her.

She rolls onto her front, though, exposing her huge breasts and cleavage. My urine bounces between them, then up to her face. Her tongue laps at it, and I’m done.

I’m so embarrassed. This is not like me guys, to be outdone in the nasty steaks by a woman. I could walk naked down the high street for a hot woman! But this, this I wasn’t sure I can do myself, but fuck it, she did it for me, and that’s what counts.”

“You did! Walked down the high street naked for a woman.”

“Oh, aye, yeah, of course! God, she was worth it though. No one else did it, so I got the pussy!

I’m kind of in shock now. She is a mess. She kisses my feet, then stands up and pecks me on the lips. She smells bad, like a pub toilet after midnight. But I don’t care. But she’s beaming. ‘Thank you,’ she says,” I’m going home. On my own,’ and walks away.”

“And?”

“That’s it,”

“It?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to see her again though, right?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, but listen I’m thirsty after all that talking, none of you incel’s not got a good story to tell!?”

They laugh, and they raise a toast to their god.

Another round of drinks, and there’s more to tell, but that’s all for closing time.

“Last orders, please!”

…to be continued…