Sexy Humor

She returned upstairs and laid out the dress and corset she would wear that afternoon. What fun she had had buying them! A specialist shop in the boutique end of town and a friend to give their opinion. Poor John! He was put through it that day.
“Maybe you should come in with me to save me parading out here every time I try a dress on,” Ally had said to him after a couple of outfits.
“No, sorry,” the assistant said, having heard Ally, “He’s not allowed to go in with you.”
“Really?” Ally put on a comically upset face. “I promise not to give him a blowjob while we’re in there. I wouldn’t do that, would I, John?”
It sounded like a funny rhetorical question, but Ally was having great fun and let the question hold in the air, so he was forced to mumble an answer.
“No, no, she’s not like that,” John said.
“He’s being kind,” Ally said, addressing the shop assistant, “He knows damn well I’m exactly like that. What he means is that he is not like that, and so he would make sure I behaved. And even if he was like that, he’s still pining so much for his ex-wife that he couldn’t possibly go getting a friendly sucky sucky.”
“Ally!”
“Yes, John? Anything I say not true?”
He paused, took a deep breath, and said, “Well, the bit about me pining for my very ex-wife is not true, that’s for sure. I won’t stop to comment on the rest of it! I do apologize for my friend; I can’t take her anywhere.”
“Now, John, that is a lie. I can’t you anywhere. These things are always my idea.”
“Yes, but. That. It still means what I meant.”
“You’re right. Let me correct myself. I can’t take myself anywhere, because you keep bringing the worst out in me. Or the best. Is it the best?”
John squirmed some more, and so the shop assistant jumped in to save him. “Well, I don’t know who can take who where and what they can do when they are there and whose fault any of that is, but you’d make an adorable couple.”
“No, no, I don’t think that’s what we’d be good at,” John mumbled again.
“Agh, John, if only you’d been allowed to join me in the changing room, my blowjob would have made you lose all your doubts about my suitability as girlfriend material. Alas alack.”
The shop assistant showed a greater sense of humor than her age, and her well-dressed nature might suggest she would have done. “Yes, the rules here are clearly ridiculous and stand in the way of true love. What I try to say to the management is that it’s not the blowjobs you want to watch out for; it’s the handjobs. I don't think it matters as long as you don’t get anything nasty on our lovely clothes. But rules are rules, alas alack indeed.”
John sighed. Were all women the same? His wife had not been though, that was for sure. That had probably been part of the problem.
“You heard the lady,” Ally said, “giving you a good time will have to wait for another time. No, don’t worry, we’re just friends!” It was time for Ally to sigh then.
“That is a shame,” the assistant said, “he is handsome.”
“Right! I say this to him. Go out, find another girl.”
“Woman,” John said.
“He’s even correcting me on feminist terminology! He’s so cool. But like I say to him, every time, I have the G pass, being a girl, sorry woman, myself.”
“And she is a very fine-looking woman.”
“Am I? I don’t think he notices that. Am I John?”
“Of course. That’s what I’d say. If I was pushed.”
“Oh, dear love,” the assistant said, “He doesn’t seem that impressed, but don’t worry, let’s get you into more of these clothes, and he’ll change his tune.”
After that, the two women had great fun teasing John, although Ally could always see he liked it really. She noticed he never said no to her to accompany her on any of her little escapades, like shopping for something sexy.
The assistant was an expert on dressing women for boudoir shoots. “Ok, you will need a couple of what I like to call the ‘unsexy sexy outfits.’ Try on this huge baggy sweater.” A minute later, Ally was back out with only her knickers underneath.
“Yes, great!” the assistant said. “Now you see your photographer will have great fun making you pose with your legs opened, stretching the fabric between your legs. The wide neck means you can get plenty of off-the-shoulder. It’s sexy because you don’t see anything very much, but boy, does it look like you might at any moment with a little slip!”
Ally loved it. She loved this woman, a woman she might call an old woman, but she was funny and knew her stuff. Plus, she could embarrass and flirt with John with her help. Which was a bonus!
“Are you thinking about what I’m hiding under here, John?” Ally said, giving him a wink. He didn’t answer, just smiled politely.
The assistant went on, “And you’ll also need a huge white shirt if you’ve not got one. You can open and close it a little. Do up one button, turn around, and bend over slightly so it lifts, and yep, there it is! A little hint of bum. A robe will do the same job, and you can go for a see-through one like this.”
When Ally came out wearing this one, it was the first time in his life that John had seen her breasts. It was an upmarket enough place for them to be alone in this corner of the shop. He couldn’t help but stare. He knew they weren’t fake, but someone they hardly moved down at all when not in a bra. The baggy sweater had shown her shape off when tightened across them, but he still thought they had a bit of support from her arms. Now he could see how large and pert they still were unsupported. She was very fit and athletic. This had obviously done the job.
John couldn’t help but gulp and then forced himself to turn away.
“John!” Ally said, “Don’t offend me. Am I that horrible to look at when nearly naked?” Oh, she was teasing him rotten now! “Come on, have a closer look.”
“Ally!” He said, drawing his eyes back to her but determinedly looking into her eyes and nowhere else. “You look wonderful. Men stare at you all the time. I’ve never needed to see you naked. I can imagine that my friend has a good body, even naked. Which is a rare thing for us humans, I know.”
Ally moved with deliberate, exaggerated, seductive movements across to him before standing right by his side and breathing into her ears. Her accent switched to something from a crime noir, “Oh! You imagine me naked, do you? Is that like when you’re naked late at night and need a little something to get to sleep?” And she tapped him on the nose with one finger.
Taking a step back, he said, “Ally! Ally. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t. I don’t. I meant it’s obvious. In a distanced, platonic way. Ugh, I give up!”
“Probably should, young man,” the assistant chirped in, “you really are digging yourself in deep.” She was right, and he was feeling a little hypocritical as her breath in his ear and her near-naked breasts pressed lightly for a moment against his arm had, in fact, caused quite a stir down below.
“No!” Ally said, “I demand satisfaction! What do you think of my body in these clothes, or in other clothes or out of clothes altogether?”
“I know. I know. Are all your customers like her?” John said to the assistant.
“The ones I like, yes. I think you’d better answer, young man.”
“Ally, you are not too tall, not too short.”
“I’m average? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, no, I’m not. I’m saying perfect.”
“Right, good. How perfect? In what way perfect? Apart from my average height?”
He sighed again, and Ally gave him one of her hard Paddington stares that you could never tell if they were going to get more intense or burst into her outrageously cute warm smile that had always made him feel he might his mind with feelings couldn’t have explained.
“John… I’m waiting.” And she actually crossed her arms and tapped her foot.
“Your body… Your body works in harmony with each part of you. Your breasts are full and dramatic. I know they’re not fake, but they appear strong, like the rest of you. When you are moving, they move just enough to help with the easy rhythm of your aura, and when you are standing, they give the impression of having been chiselled by god himself. It is as if you have been photoshopped into real-life flawlessness. When you move, your hips move from your slim waist, expressing confidence and sexuality, which attracts attention but also warns people you are not to be messed with. Maralyn Monroe had to wear one heel slightly shorter than the other to get her ass to move as good as yours does. Your beauty should scare people; it takes a man’s breath away, but your divine smile puts everyone at ease whenever you enter a room. Hence, lusts and jealousies fade even though you are always the hottest woman in the room.”
Both Ally and the assistant were stunned into silence. It was a bit more than they’d been expecting!
“John…”
“Yes, Ally?”
“Had you prepared that before we came here?”
“Oh, yes, sorry. I knew what you’d be like, and I knew I’d be lost for words, and I don’t want to be lost for words, and I do want you to know that I know that you look amazing in these clothes or any others, but I didn’t want to be mumbling, like I am now.”
The two women broke into laughter, “You’re precious, dear friend. The research into how Marilyn got her sexy walk gave it away for me!”
“I watched a YouTube video on it.”
“John, no one could make you up. I do appreciate it, but I’ve not finished with you yet! You will have to think on your feet from now on.”
After that, it was all downhill for him. He had to think of unsexy things to keep himself under control while also reaching for the words to express how magical she looked.
A variety of underwear was paraded, and if John had ever imagined her body late at night while touching himself, then he would no longer need to imagine very hard. She really was tremendous.
“John?”
“Yes, that one brings out your breast's shape, lifts them, and shows their fullness.”
And then…
“John?”
“Your ass fills that dress magnificently, and when you move, the material moves with it, giving you a very sexy wiggle.”
Another outfit…
“John?”
And so, it went on.
She tried on a dozen ‘normal’ outfits as well, and Ally forced compliments on how she looked in them, out of him, with each one. He was flushed more red than ever! Eventually, she chose a dress to match his face. A vivid red that could have been a well-to-do lady showing off her wealth or a whore showing off her wears. She knew now which one she wanted to be, and it felt so good…